Amy Jade Winehouse

I am devastated. I cry writing this - my hero, idol, inspiration - Amy Winehouse. Amy was sucha beautiful, talented, loving & passionate person. The fact that she gave up & left leaves me with nothing but desolation, and loss of hope for the future. She comforted me; just as Katie Price, Noel Gallagher, Bridget Bardot, Russell Brand also do. But she.. she was different, and she was hurting. The same as me; I heard her say 'the more insecure I get, the bigger my beehive becomes', I totally understand that - I've been there for fucks sake! I don;t think anyone else on this planet would ever say that - yet she did, and it made me feel like I wasn't alone. It scares me that shes gone, because it makes me feel even more alone. The people who aren;t afraid to be different, to shake up society a bit - they all get pushed out in the end. I loved her so so much, and I feel for her family at a time like this - I can;t even comtemplate what they;re going through... but I don';t know them. To be selfishly honest; I fear for myself, and anyone else who feels the same as I. She gave me hope, and yes, I know she was messed up - and its easy to have an impression of someone like that as a bad person. But she was not a criminal. She was not a monster. She was not a malcious person. She was a girl, she was a 27year old girl who loved writing music and performing her songs. She should be not dehumanised. I can say that I have experienced a tiny bit of the dehumanization she went through, when I had rumours going around about me being malicious, evil, criminal. I couldn;t even cope with a fraction of it,
So please, I won;t change your opinion of her, I don;t have any interest in doing that. I just wanted to let you know how much she actually meant to me. And so many other people, she was beautiful. Full of passion. So much to give to the world. And she gave me a helluva lot. Like not to be afraid of being my own person.
I will carry on Amy, and carry on what you started.
She had fucking balls.
Rest In Peace you beautiful girl

It;s weird.. kind of feels part of my identity is being peeled away, this small pleasure of destruction has been cradling me since my mum died. It has formed part of who I am and it feels well fucking scary to be taking control against it. Who knows, maybe in October when I can legally buy my own tobacco - maybe I will take it up again. but for now, (taking it day by day) I am giving up/have given up. Let me make this clear - this is not a mark of conformity, or falling under the power or control of anyone (eg My dad, my sister, my friends who don't approve)... You have not won. You will never win! 

fuck youu!

I don't need a reason to be a misfit
Whatever the reason, how far I go
When it's my time then I will let you know

It don't take a genius to be an idiot
It don't take a jesus to save my soul
Well it's my time and it's my time to go

Pedestrian is what I am
and I'm an understated samaritan

Where I go, I go alone
As long as I am taking my time

I don't know the answer to be specific
I listened to reason, the reason is true
I did my time, well, now it's time to go

I don't need a reason to be a misfit
Whatever the reason, how far I go
When it's my time then I will let you know

It don't take a genius to be an idiot
It don't take a jesus to save my soul
Well it's my time and it's my time to go

Pedestrian is what I am
and I'm an understated samaritan

Where I go, I go alone
As long as I am taking my time

I don't know the answer to be specific
I listened to reason, the reason is true
I did my time, well, now it's time to go