What do I do? help me, I'm too scared for this. I want it to all end right now.

I'm just used.

There she goes. There she goes again. Racing through my brain.
<3

(he)

Sometimes I think that the hours in the day are just a countdown until night when we can go to sleep again. I sort of just float through the day, waiting until I can crawl into bed again, and become unconscious. It's the only comfort really.
I don't know what to do. Not really getting anywhere with anything. I feel likeI'm only living half heartedly.. not really here.
Hypersensitive. That';s what I was described as today. I've spent my whole life trying to be the opposite of that. Tough. Tough. Tough.
Untouchable.
Invinceable.
I'll never be what I want to be.

Oh, and I miss being blonde.

Why did I waste my time?

Why did I waste my time talking to you?

Why did I sit with you for hours

speaking of how much I am falling to pieces

Telling you of my day

and how I need you.

why did i waste my time telling you that i loved you

when you were not listening anyway?

You just lie there

like the last 17 years have not existed;

we might as well be strangers.

you never reply

or give me a sign to show you care

that is it

i am giving up on you now

it's been too long since you told me you loved me.

Why did I waste my time talking to you?

why did i sit there for hours

waiting for a response

when i knew

really, that it was impossible.

Why did  I waste my time talking to a grave stone?

A few things bothering me tonight.
So the homies are back. All back together, it's great. I love them all so much. And I love my sister. So much. But I can't take it anymore? I am so different to all of them; don't seem to fit in anymore, everything I do is a bit of a disappointment for them. God love them; they don't show it, and I know they'll always be there for me, because they're practically my family. But it's so difficult to know that they're thinking I could have been so much better. I feel so small compared to them. Amazing, funny, incredibly academically intelligent, naturally beautiful, completely clean (don't smoke, take drugs, or drink much, have sex).. I am so different. I don;t fit in anywhere? Starting to properly get me down. And my sister. I love her, so much, that it breaks my heart that I let her down so much. I let her down in everything I do. I can see the disappointment in her eyes everytime she looks at me; my messy hair, makeup, ripped clothes. I am not clever, I do not try with my work, I smoke, I take drugs, I have sex with random people, I am cynical and blunt sometimes. All this stuff.
I was a baby once, an innocent little baby. Held in my mothers arms. I could have been anything. ANYTHING. But I am this. I am sorry.

There's that.
And then there's something else.

I need you so badly and it hurts. I love you. Please come back to me.

I am trying to be optimistic to other people; I don;t want to bring people down, and I know that I will push people away if I am pessimistic the whole time. But I need somewhere to let out these thoughts, and I know no one really reads this anyway, so that's why I'm writing it here.
Don't be angry with me. I am trying.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.