So the homies are back. All back together, it's great. I love them all so much. And I love my sister. So much. But I can't take it anymore? I am so different to all of them; don't seem to fit in anymore, everything I do is a bit of a disappointment for them. God love them; they don't show it, and I know they'll always be there for me, because they're practically my family. But it's so difficult to know that they're thinking I could have been so much better. I feel so small compared to them. Amazing, funny, incredibly academically intelligent, naturally beautiful, completely clean (don't smoke, take drugs, or drink much, have sex).. I am so different. I don;t fit in anywhere? Starting to properly get me down. And my sister. I love her, so much, that it breaks my heart that I let her down so much. I let her down in everything I do. I can see the disappointment in her eyes everytime she looks at me; my messy hair, makeup, ripped clothes. I am not clever, I do not try with my work, I smoke, I take drugs, I have sex with random people, I am cynical and blunt sometimes. All this stuff.
I was a baby once, an innocent little baby. Held in my mothers arms. I could have been anything. ANYTHING. But I am this. I am sorry.
There's that.
And then there's something else.
I need you so badly and it hurts. I love you. Please come back to me.
I am trying to be optimistic to other people; I don;t want to bring people down, and I know that I will push people away if I am pessimistic the whole time. But I need somewhere to let out these thoughts, and I know no one really reads this anyway, so that's why I'm writing it here.
Don't be angry with me. I am trying.
Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.
No comments:
Post a Comment