i hate that i had to do that myself to feel adequate. it makes me so sad that i am this way...
standards are too high; i will never be good enough for myself to accept.
i smoke when i have a sore throat, i eat when im not hungry; i dont eat when i am hungry, i run like theres no tomorrow when i have painful feet and knees. i find a reason to be depressed when i am happy.
man im fucked. fucked fucked fucked.
(hello sophie, my only reader!)
still, im looking forward to seeing my old mayfield girlies tomorrow, should be good. although i don't want to see... her. for several reasons. firstly, she sets me back; makes me feel weak for giving into food. secondly, i have a feeling she does not like me at the moment, possibly bitter, possibly feeling that i am a fraud, or maybe even that i have left her behind. thirdly, i do not think its good for her to see me; as any incentive to recover will be destroyed when she sees how fat i have become.
i JUST WANT TO FEEL HAPPY; more importantly, i want to feel AT PEACE. at motherfucking peace with myself; why cant i accept who i am and how i am? other people manage. why dont i? can;t i be content with what i have been given? some people have it so much fucking worse. I have a fully functioning body; no physical disibilities.. yet, i choose to disable myself by insane self destruction.
i got the most beautiful letter today; one phrase stuck in my mind... I 'actively chose to live'.
yes, yes i did actively choose to live. when i read it, it made me proud and happy. but already the pride is wearing off, and i am left with just the hate i feel so strongly for this body i was given.
i am so blessed, and so lucky.. but my selfish mind will not accept that. it will not accept anything its given.
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